What are sexual scripts?
In cognitive psychology, a script is a framework of information in your mind for a certain person, place, thing, or situation. It represents how things are supposed to happen. They are good because they help us learn and structure our experiences. They can be negative or have negative consequences.
A script for a fast food restaurant may go like this:
- walk in the door
- if there’s a line, wait in line.
- when it is your turn, order from the menu that is above the cash register.
- pay what the cashier tells you is your total.
- wait for them to put together your order.
- pick it off the counter and leave through the door you came in.
A part of social censure (or comedy) is doing things that don’t fit the script. What if I threw my bag of food to the ground? What if I cut in line? People get upset when others don’t stick to the script. It’s unexpected, and sometimes that is a big part of comedy.
Now, apply this to sexual scripts. Sexual scripts are the same thing applied to sexual activity. It is also related to gender scripts. When you go to a restaurant, who pays? What makes it a date versus dinner with a friend? If a woman invites you into her apartment, what is she conveying? Maybe she wants to continue the conversation or maybe it’s a sign she wants sex. What if one person interprets it an entirely different way than you meant it? Or what if you misinterpreted their signals? Most people have experienced this at some point.
How do we learn sexual scripts?
Scripts are learned through imitation. When you think of imitation, you might be tempted to think we learn our sexual scripts from our parents or from our peers. This is a really common belief for any kind of socialization. When it comes to sexual scripts, I tend to think these two groups have less of an influence than in other areas. How often did your parents go on a date in front of you? How often did you see their foreplay and how they initiated sex? Chances are they kept it pretty hidden, or you just didn’t notice it because you were too young.
I know it’s cliche to blame the media for the hyper-sexual nature of our culture. This isn’t about blame and it’s not about some giant media presence. It is about specifically about movies, TV shows, and books. Not advertisements, music, or clothing. The nature of scripts translates well to the idea of movie or TV scripts. Books too correspond to that sequential nature of how things are supposed to happen. That is what scripts are all about. (I personally think they are less powerful in that they are not as visual, and so do not convey a lot of non-verbal cues that go into sexual scripts.)
Children and teenagers learn about sex through movies and TV shows.
Some scenes from movies:
A woman stands in the doorway, maybe she leans against it. She is dressed in lingerie or something else appealing. The man is on the bed. Is she communicating she wants some form of sex?
A man and woman stand facing each other. They pause their conversation and you can feel the tension. Are they about to kiss? Or maybe he puts his hand under her chin or at the nape of her neck and looks at her. You know the kiss is coming next.
She hesitatingly says, “Do you want to come up?” Or maybe he says, “Would it be presumptuous if I ask to come up?”
Standing on the doorstep, the girl says “I had a really nice time tonight.” The man kisses her before he leaves.
And whether or not you acknowledge it, these are the scripts we internalize. When it happens in real life, you recognize the step that comes next and it is up to you whether to follow the way it is supposed to happen or not. This isn’t peer pressure, this is social pressure. It is a kind of snowball effect: art imitating life and life imitating art.
Gender Scripts
Sexual scripts are usually gender based. What does a man do versus what does a woman do? During a heterosexual date, think of some gender stereotypes. The man pays. The woman orders a salad (or has a hard time ordering). The man subtly or not so subtly initiates the physical contact, the woman determines how far they go. The man decides where they’ll go, he asks in the first place. The woman waits for the call for days after, for the guy to ask her on another date.
Examples of Gender-based Scripts
Male:
A man initiates sex
A man always has an orgasm
A man always wants sex and is always ready to have it
A man doesn’t express his feelings
Female:
Good girls don’t masturbate
A woman shouldn’t demand an orgasm
There’s only one right way to have an orgasm, and
Sex is a terrible thing, until you’re married and then you’re supposed to like it
Bisexuality/Homosexuality and Sexual Scripts
The reason I bring this all up is that these scripts are all heteronormative and it is incredibly daunting as a bisexual or homosexual person. You have almost no information or framework with which to approach dating someone of your own gender. This is partially the root of the terms butch, top, and bottom. Instead of creating their own scripts, a woman or man will assume the traditionally male or female role in the relationship. They’re either the “aggressive” one or the “passive” one.
This leads to many questions that I’ve even seen asked in bisexual communities: how does someone meet a girl? How do you know if she’s interested? What signals are we supposed to read? If women are socialized to wait until someone asks her out, how is a woman supposed to know how to ask another woman out?
What we need are more television shows and movies that deal with homosexuality and bisexuality. We need “gay” romantic comedies. And don’t worry, we’re getting there. But these will largely help the bi girls of tomorrow. What about those of us who have already grown up?
Contemporary Sexual Scripts
This may sound rather negative, but never fear…. There are some new sexual scripts, not as well known, that are beginning to replace those I’ve already mentioned. The great news? They are considered androgynous.
Some contemporary social scripts:
Sex is a mutual activity that is supposed to produce mutual pleasure
Each person bears the responsibility for their own and their partner’s pleasure
Each person communicates about their likes and dislikes
Either person initiates sex
It isn’t always easy, but sometimes we have to re-learn our scripts or replace them outright. Unfortunately, I think movies are lagging behind and are continuing to teach harmful, outdated, gender and hetero-biased sexual scripts because they are simple to convey and most people recognize their elements immediately. We need more androgynous and/or pro-bisexual and pro-homosexual sexual scripts in movies and TV shows that are treated as normal, not special, pathological, or boring.
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